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Screw you 2011, I’m Unleashing the Dragon

9 Feb

Apologies for giving you blue blog balls – I know you’ve been anticipating this post and I refuse to give you the satisfaction just because I let you cop a feel while I was drunk. I’ve been having a love affair with Netflix and really, I’m so busy staring off into space at work while my creative juices dry up like a woman on menopause that I haven’t had time to write. I’ve also turned terribly vulgar and have lit my filter on fire – a well-known side effect to having post-traveling ennui.

So basically in 2011 I’m a failure. I had this magical life-long goal that I would celebrate New Year’s in a country I’ve never been to before every single year. I was successful the last two years in the UK & Ecuador. For some reason however, it just didn’t happen this year. I blame it on this ancient Chinese superstition – the curse of the Chinese zodiac (via Jenny). You see, 2011 is the year of the rabbit – and I was born during this year – so therefore, this will be a very unlucky year. And the only thing that will protect me are DRAGONS. Rar.

So here I go…!!! Unleashing the DRAGON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try to find him in all the shots, it’s like playing where’s waldo?

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His name is Fred – a tiny “grow your own” Dragon that I carried with me during my travels throughout China, Macau, and Thailand. He was given to me by my dear friend Jennio. Unfortunately, I lost him in China so I couldn’t take him with me on the rest of my travels around the world. Ultimate Sadface.

Okay, so my new year’s wasn’t ALL that terrible and it did have some international flair. I dressed up like a vivacious pilot wearing authentic Chinese aviator goggles at a fake airline launch party, which was held inside an old hangar tucked away in the warehouse district in Brooklyn, NY. I was accompanied by a British Top Gun pilot so I guess that’s as close as I was gonna get to kicking off the new year on foreign soil. Doesn’t beat playing with monkeys and shamans in the Amazon jungle like I did last year (which I hope to write about very soon).

Flashback Travel Moment:

While I was digitally rummaging through my photos I stumbled upon this funny parallel between two New Year’s experiences that involve a glimpse into my thug lyfe.

(ABOVE: New Year’s 2008 in London. BELOW: New Year’s 2011 in NYC)

Don’t worry, I try to keep my criminal activities at a minimum and offset this behavior by working at a healthcare company, “saving lives.”


The Time Traveling Bulldozer

1 Oct

I am launching this blog on the eve of my birth, as a way to celebrate the last 23 years of my existence on this Earth. I am just one human being with a story. However there are huge gaps and wholes in my fairytale – pages with strange stains on them, cigarette burns – pages that are stuck together, torn apart, scribbled in foreign tongue and strange characters. I think there’s one page in there with a condom wrapper stuck to it. I digress.

I’m not much of a writer- but I am a liver (teehee). Please note, bad jokes are necessary in order to lower your expectations and then crush them with awesomeness in the future – or the past, since I will be writing my stories in (random) reverse chronological order. But I will help you time travel through my memories as I recall them piece by piece, bit by bit.

This morning,

I was taking a swell afternoon nap on the floor of my living room under my baby blanket,
I hopped in my Mini Cooper and took the shitty 93 freeway to work,
When all of a sudden the house on 8843 Longden Ave. in Southern California began to shake, rumble and grumble!
And was nearly swide-swiped by this monstrous thing on wheels, with dirt falling from its mouth,
I woke up from my nap and just knew that THE BULLDOZER was coming to MOVE MY HOUSE! WOW!
As I looked into my rear-view mirror I realized it was a freaking bulldozer tailgating me. Of course.
I immediately ran outside and ran all the way around it to look for the bulldozer –  but it wasn’t there.
I took a picture with my iPhone and continued the daily commute to my Corporate America job, remembering how I’ve always wondered about that bulldozer.
Then mom came out of the house and said to me, “don’t worry, it was only an earthquake. Get back in the house.”

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